Permanent Solution

I felt I couldn’t go on anymore and suicide seemed like a reasonable choice. The only choice. A rational decision. We’re just dust in the wind and oblivion is inevitable, right? My distress had no meaning, so what’s the point? I was on the edge, literally and metaphorically. In a shadow cast far and wide by a ruthless angel of death. But I’ve felt like this before and managed to find light and purpose; life became wholesome again. A good friend had been encouraging me to call the Suicide Callback Service for some time now. In that moment I reached into my pocket, took out my phone and dialed. I had a long conversation with a cousellor who mentioned something that stuck, although its effect only became apparent later. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,” he said.  At the time of the call I was in distress, I felt uneasy about the call and embarrassed about what I said to the counsellor. Plus what’s temporary about my pain? When I struggle emotionally it’s for a long time. It doesn’t feel temporary. Later I realised the impact the call had on me. I began to get some clarity. Do I really want a permanent solution to my problems? I don’t know. I thought I did. I remember times when I’ve been more resilient and not so hurt. I know what quiets my mind and nurtures my soul. Everything I need to help myself is within me already; I realised happiness requires effort. The next day I forced myself to go the gym, started running, and saw a counsellor. I set small realistic goals. After two days of training I felt a small shift. Weight bearing exercises inspired me and gave me clarity. Whereas running calmed me down. I certainly wasn’t out of the dark but I knew in my heart I didn’t really want to self-harm or die. I just wanted the pain to stop. My suffering was still there but now bestowed by meaning; I can help others, and I remembered how rare and beautiful it is to even exist. It was comforting thinking about and planning my suicide. Knowing I have control to end it all was easing my distress a little bit. I was problem solving, that’s what we do. But I forgot that suicide is only one solution, and a permanent one.

6 thoughts on “Permanent Solution

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  1. Speaking aloud you get this ❤️
    Existential depression is one of the hardest things to overcome. Or rather for others to help people with. We live in abject hopelessness because of what we know and are aware of. Which I won’t go into here, it can be quite a downer.
    Again, much love for you for speaking aloud

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You CAN help others, by sharing your story….

    I don’t know why I only really internalised now that it’s not especially that I ever want to kill myself, rather that I want to end the pain, to which yeah, suicide is a solution, but only one solution.

    Liked by 1 person

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