Permanent Solution

I felt I couldn’t go on anymore and suicide seemed like a reasonable choice. The only choice. A rational decision. We’re just dust in the wind and oblivion is inevitable, right? In the other words my distress had no meaning, so what’s the point? I was on the edge, literally and metaphorically, in a shadow cast far and wide by a ruthless angel of death. But I’ve felt like this before and managed to find light and purpose; life became wholesome again. A good friend had been encouraging me to call the Suicide Callback Service for some time now and in that moment I reached into my pocket, took out my phone and dialled. I had a long conversation with someone who mentioned something that stuck, although its effect did not become apparent till later. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem,” he said. Temporary!? What’s temporary about my pain? When I struggle emotionally it’s for a long time. It doesn’t feel temporary. At the time of the call I was in distress, and although I felt uneasy about the call and embarrassed about what I said to the counsellor, it was comforting that this stranger on phone was willing to step into the darkness with me. Walk alongside me. Anguished and confused I walked home. Later that day I realised the impact the call had on me. I began to get some clarity. Do I really want a permanent solution to my problems? I don’t know. I thought I did. I remembered there have been times when I’ve been more resilient and not so hurt. I know what quiets my mind and nourishes my soul. Everything I need to help myself is within me already; I realised happiness requires effort. The next day I saw a counsellor and with her help I joined a gym and began running. I set small realistic goals. After two days of training I felt a small shift. Weight bearing exercises inspired me and gave me clarity. Whereas running calmed me down. Some days I felt so hopeless, and my body felt so heavy, even getting out bed took enormous effort. On those days I went for a walk. Something is better nothing. I certainly wasn’t out of the dark but I knew in my heart I didn’t really want to self-harm or die. I just wanted the pain to stop. My distress was now bestowed by meaning; I can help others, and I remembered how rare and beautiful it is to even exist. Suffering was still there but I was no longer in distress. The knot the devil handed me had no more power over me. It was comforting thinking about and planning my suicide; knowing I have the control to end it all was easing my distress a little bit. I was problem solving, that’s what we do. But I forgot that suicide is only one solution, and a permanent one.

6 thoughts on “Permanent Solution

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  1. Speaking aloud you get this ❤️
    Existential depression is one of the hardest things to overcome. Or rather for others to help people with. We live in abject hopelessness because of what we know and are aware of. Which I won’t go into here, it can be quite a downer.
    Again, much love for you for speaking aloud

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You CAN help others, by sharing your story….

    I don’t know why I only really internalised now that it’s not especially that I ever want to kill myself, rather that I want to end the pain, to which yeah, suicide is a solution, but only one solution.

    Liked by 1 person

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